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Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Standing under the shower hose, many thoughts raced through my head. Allowing the water to soak myself wet, i recalled the past few days' events. And it went way back to the past few months, years... so many recollections. Emotions are stirred up once again. I thought of the people around me. What had i done for them so far? Have i managed to bring joy and much laughter to their lives? Did my actions somehow influenced them? Or did i only bring them unintentional hurt? These questions will remain unanswered. Friends are no doubt friends. Most will never want to hurt you by telling you frankly that your actions had caused them to be uncomfortable. Only from a third party's view, can one then know how another feels. But are third parties' words reliable? At times, i just want to take a step back and look at the things i had done. I'm afraid to lose friends yet at the same time, i seldom bother to keep in contact with those i used to hang out often with. Everytime i want to whip up a conversation with them, excuses spring up. I always wait for others to talk to me. That's one of my flaws which i know i need to change. Other times, i just want to shut myself out from the world and take a break. I'm tired. So many things happening, i try my best to help in whichever i can. Things seldom go one's way and later on, there is a need to deal with the sadness that comes with it. And for me, it occurs more often than not. When was the last time i was truly happy? The time where i can truly let myself go freely without fearing how others would look at me? 18 years have gone by. In less than 2 weeks, i will turn 19. What had i done in my life so far where others are proud of me and when i'm proud of myself? Studies wise, mada mada dane. Interpersonal relationships, failure at maintaining them. Family, try to be there for them although i am helpless in some situations. Sports, jack of all trades but a master of none. What can i be proud of? Having chatted with eric several times, he has enlighten me on some views in life. I thank him for that. It had been valuable. "Life's short, treasure what you have now." Life is indeed short. And i guess i've lived my life aimlessly all this time. I have goals i want to meet but they are only beneficial to me. He has allowed me to realise how selfish i was. I think about myself more than others at times. For him, it's vice versa. Never sparing a thought for himself, always caring and giving concern to others. Yes, i can be understanding. I put myself in others' shoes and see from their point of view but have i taken any actions in trying to help them out? I seldom did. I give them my attention, i be their listening ear but i never knew how to help them. I'm helpess and useless.
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