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Tuesday, December 26, 2006
What should have been a good night's sleep turned out to be a toss-and-turn on the bed. Only in the wee hours of the morning did i then head to sleep, but jolted out of bed near 9am, unable to force myeslf to sleep any longer. I was troubled. Probably troubled over nothing... confused over nothing... i do not know. I yearned for it to happen yet at the same time, i don't want it to happen. I am afraid of being hurt once again. What i had contributed half a year ago resulted in heartaches and distraction in my studies. In the end, i was at the losing end. I gained nothing in return. And i ain't wanting any of that to happen to me again. Puppy love and crushes are common now. But true feelings for each other at my age, possible? I pondered over and over again. I couldn't find any answer to that. I'm afraid to get into a relationship and fall hard when a break-up occurs. I've watched friends separating from their partners and the resultant was hurt and more hurt. Studies were affected, life was affected. This is something daddy had always mentioned to me. "I do not object to you getting into a relationship but i do not approve it at the same time. I don't want you to get hurt feelings when a break up happens to you." And i know i will give in my all to make it a success but when things turn ugly and can no longer work out, a split up will be inevitable. I fear for the worst. That's why i never wanted to go near it. I lack that security when it comes to relationships and totally helpless like a baby. This is one area in life which i can never handle well. Friends always ask me what is the criteria i seek for in a guy. Most importantly, security. That's what i always say. Know the reason why now? If there is that one guy who can give me the security i need and of course fits the bill in other areas, you are that man i really need. Not that i don't want to, just that i am afraid to... haiz..
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