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Saturday, March 14, 2009
Moodswings seldom had access to my life until recently. In a span of 3-4 days, i experienced a spectrum of emotions, something unfolding in me that i never quite knew about. That only implies one thing. I'm changing. Uncertain if it's for the better or worse. No longer that domineering (which is good coz i've become more collaborative), but grown more indecisive. Developed a heck-care attitude towards issues i dislike. Became more critical with each passing day. Appeared cheerful and smiley in front of others but deep within, trying to sort out the entangled mess of emotions. I'm stuggling to find my inner self. I thought i had but in actuality, i'm far from it. If others understand me better than i do, i'm not one bit surprised. It is sad to acknowledge the fact that these rapid changes within me are too much for me to handle. I feel as if i've shedded my old self and evolved into a new being. A brand new ugly me. As a matter of fact, i rather be who i was then than to be who i am now. I realised these changes took place only after i entered Uni. This highly sophisticated environment is not where i want to belong to, but i've joined it without knowledge of its complexity. So now, i have to adapt to a culture i dislike. Given a choice to describe it all, without doubt, it would be hypocrisy. Perhaps i've adapted too well to NP's harmonious culture and shaped myself into who i used to like. I've told Daddy and Mummy time and again how unhappy i am now. The same old question "Are you regretting?" I think it's a yes to a certain extent. But i know that if i didn't choose to enter NTU, i would have regretted it even more. It was a dream i held since i entered Poly. Sighs~ As i grow older, i've come to realise how complicated the society gets. It truly is a dog-eat-dog world out there. In fact, i'm thankful NTU gave me a chance to experience it before i enter the workforce. No intention to be sarcastic about this because it truly prepares me for the societal complexity in the years to come. The world is what it is today because of its people... Posted by Lynette at |
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